I have a serious issue (requires a bit of reading), but for you to understand the issue as well as I hope, I‚ will need to clarify what the particulars in regards to this situation are, and so I will.
First off, for my entire life I‚have been firmly against smoking, due to my father nearly dying from a heart attack due to smoking when I was very young, and my grandfather smoking all the time and dying of emphysema, and also the fact that about 90% of my relatives are dead now due to confirmed death from lung cancer, heart cancer, and smoke accumulation.
This also means I became what most would consider an “anti-smoking Nazi” and truthfully I was as such, even had my fair share of converting others into nonsmokers of a variety of types. However, I always knew the facts about smoking, due to personal and very excessive research, that happens to be a trait of mine.
Now, my entire educational life, until I hit college, was filled with people doing all sorts of illegal and bad things around or towards me, and so I was able to ignore these, and successfully prevent myself from falling down any of the paths that parents are so scared of their children getting into.
Once I first went to college I became friends with several individuals, the first being a person who I had quite a bit in common with and who after an eventual trip to a gas station for snacks and Slurpee‚ offered me a cigar he had purchased while we were there. I was of course defiant, made a retort about his choices, and firmly refused. But like most friends do, he tried to open me up to the concept and use peer pressure. But I didn’t give in, and thus he went to smoke his cigar illegally out on the stairs leading to our dorm.
The second individual that I became friends with was quite a bit different, and due to certain events that transpired, he became very influential and actually had a degree of control over me. We shared similar beliefs about a lot of things, including my take on smoking, however at some point he stated some positive things about cigars, and though he never actually tried to get me to smoke, he did try to change my stance on them.
The issue is that even though I refused to have my stances changed, I did begin to have visions while dreaming, and thoughts while awake about what would have happened if I had done such a thing, and thus I had a plethora of thoughts that related to all the possibilities that could have erupted from such a choice. This lead to what I call “a mental addiction to the concept of smoking cigars”. I call it this because I have never had a desire to smoke the cigars, but I have learned everything about them, and at least once or twice a week, I suddenly have the desire to plunge myself into further research regarding them. I sought help from the cigar community by sending a few emails out to places such as cigar aficionado to see if they had heard of anything like this, but I never got a response, and so I continued my research.
I don’t know what’s wrong, and so I’m asking you the community of all flocks of status, ideas, ages, and beliefs, if any of you happen to have some insight into this most particular issue (such as why it’s happening, how, what to do, and etc.) so that I can finally resolve this.
In regards to the people that will undoubtedly try to convert me, I am not capable of really formulating many defenses against this particular issue at the moment, and so unless you feel your decisions are the best choice, I would much prefer you use insight instead of pressure to assist me.
This has been going on for 6 months, and I’ve had no further contact with any of the two mentioned individuals due to betrayals, lies, trust violations, and my relocation.
This type of thing isn’t supposed to happen to someone like me, I’ve made myself about as pure as you can get in this world (I don’t do anything illegal, rarely but unintentionally lie, don’t do any type of drugs, don’t get into aggressive confrontations, focus on intellectual based activities only, and have followed every religious rule to the best of my ability, with very few mistakes) and so I want to know, why this is happening to me? I have avoided every influence my entire life and remained a very proper person, so I don’t see how ANY of this can be going through my mind, and no one seems to offer any insight aside from the fact that I’m apparently crazy or mentally disturbed, even though I have no mental illnesses, have enough psychological experience and research to understand that I’m not suffering from anything, and yet I still don’t know why.
Sometimes I wonder if this is life’s way of trying to defeat me, because it’s not so much about doing the act, but having to do it.
Because if I “have to do it” to end it, that means I couldn’t resist it in the first place. I don’t know if I will ever do things like this out of my own choices with my own influence, but I do know that unless these are deep subconscious thoughts (which doesn’t make sense, seeing as how I’m in control of my subconscious), I shouldn’t even WANT to do this either, at least not like this, not by some pressure and force that I feel will inevitably lead me back to this same issue.